She Love Me

I believe an indicator of growth can be seen when someone can admit they made a mistake-and boy did I make one with my last post. But before I go into detail, I need to make an assertion here:

I will never again speak ill of black women.

I learned something last night about both myself and most black women in this country. First of all, I have some prejudices that I need to deal with. Not to mention the fact that a lot of black women have dealt with men whose point of view and intentions differ from mine. Therefore how can expect them to see me differently when they interface with me? I was wrong about Cat-oh so wrong. I'm not saying that she loves me-no more than I meant in the last blog entry that she hated me. What I'm saying is that the negative facade that I met the other day had nothing to do with me and had everything to do with her state of mind at the time.

We were all exhausted after last weekend and a lot of that affected both my opinion of her message to me and her mood in general. Even I blew up at my drummer on the way back from Vegas and everyone agrees it has a lot to do with the sheer exhaustion we were all experiencing. So why didn't I factor that into Cat and my conversation? Why did I just fall back on my predetermined judgments about black women? Perhaps it's because I'm human, I don't know. But what I do know is I owe both Cat and black women an apology. I've neglected to factor in their experience in America-it's completely different than a black male's. Yes we all experience racism. But every black woman who gets involved with a black man in this country has to face the fear that he may be taken away from her. Yes other women may experience this fear as well, but black men or more inclined to die earlier than all other men. We have a higher incarceration rate and when a black woman gets involved with one of us, the fear that we'll be murdered, or incarcerated, or just simply abandon them looms large in their brains-I'm certain. I think the attitude might be fear of getting too close.

Cat and I talked extensively last night (well into the early morning hours) and I learned a great deal about her personal experiences, black women's experiences in general, and my own bull-headed self. She just talked and I listened-and I saw errors in my judgment. I can't for the life of me figure out why I expected perfection. I'm not saying Cat and I made a love connection-I'm saying that it was a learning experience for me and certainly an opportunity for growth on my part.

I have to honestly say that I have been wrapped up too much in my own experiences. I also have to take into consideration that I haven't completely dealt with the demise of my marriage. I am extremely sensitive now to all changes in my personal environment-and I'm gun shy. I know the pain involved in break-ups and I don't want to start a casual relationship, have it morp into something more meaningful, and then have it dissipate. My life has been filled with these relationships and I'm exhausted of them. I've certainly had my fun, but what has it cost me? Plenty, I believe.

I just hope that the black women who I've spoken so ill of will find it within their hearts to forgive my ignorance. There are root explanations for all irrational behavior. We afford mental patients latitude because of their past experiences, why couldn't I see that the black woman's experience in America has been one that could push one to the brink of madness. Along with black men, they are the most vilified in this society. So much so, Don Imus thought nothing to refer to some of the most promising of our people as nappy-headed ho's. As black men and protectors of our women, we should have found a way to make it where Don Imus never spoke publicly again. Al Sharpton shouldn't have been the only black male public figure to speak out. We should have heard it from Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Barak Obama, and whomever else has a public voice. Hell, even I refrained from commenting in my blog. Why didn't we come to the defense of our women en masse? I am certain black women around the nation would have had a great deal more respect for us had we done so.

Suffice it to say that everyday is a day to learn something new, and I've learned that, although black women may act irrational at times, there is definitely a reasoning behind it. Because there is a reason doesn't make it right, but instead of watching someone in a glass cage go nuts and complaining about their behavior, one should take into consideration the condition an individual is made to live in before judging or prejudging them. It is so easy to say Pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you've been privileged with the boots, the straps, and the knowledge necessary to pull yourself up. Many black women, in spite of the odds, have done quite well for themselves-my mother and sisters being amongst them. But those are the exceptions to the rule. It's quite difficult to do what seems so simple when you've been hamstrung much earlier than one could conceive that they were being hamstrung. It always amazes me when pundits, aware of the deleterious effects of negative classic conditioning, make these caustic and careless statements; as though reversing the negative damages society and community can have on an individual is as simple as snapping your fingers-this thing is much deeper than that. I too have been guilty of such nonsense, but I vow to exhibit better judgment in the future.

Stay strong and hang in there my black women, we'll put this thing back together, I promise!

TPOKW