The Prince is Depressed

Every now and then I go through bouts of depression. Nothing serious, just enough to make me close the blinds and not want to go outside. I'm not sure what triggers it, but perhaps this time it's because my lap top crashed AGAIN! This is the 4th time in like a year and 3 months. I've replaced 4 hard drives and it is beginning to really annoy me. Fortunately they are under warranty, but I hate opening that lap top case, all the parts are so delicate and there's a level of stress that accompanies the activity that I don't particularly care for.

Anyway, I didn't go outside all day today. I closed the blinds and just relaxed the best I could. I wish it rained today, believe it or not it helps me when I get depressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually at my center 95% of the time. But I was on a natural high yesterday and I usually crash pretty hard when I allow myself to experience that level of joy. That's one of the reasons I like to remain centered.

The last time I had a serious bout of depression was in 1995. It lasted about 2 weeks and I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I would be at work and all of a sudden I would have to rush to the restroom so no one would see me crying like a baby. It ranked amongst the worse 2 weeks of my life. It was weird, I would cry all the way to work and all the way home. And just like a man, I REFUSED to seek help. Eventually it passed. This time isn't nearly that serious. I just think the lap top situation brought me down.

I wrote a new song, but I don't feel like it's any good. I was really amped about it at first, but now I'm not really feeling it. I laid the vocal track today and when I started doing the backing vocals I lost all interest. I couldn't find the harmonies and the depression thing made me give up and go lay down and take a nap. I didn't sleep too well but at least I felt rested when I awoke.

My focus lately has been to improve my guitar skills and I'm beginning to break new ground. It's always nice when the time invested yields positive results. I'm probably a little down because I haven't exercised in weeks. I haven't ran in about a week-just been to damned busy. I think I need a break. I turned my phone off today. I needed complete isolation until I can get my head back to where it needs to be. I didn't want anyone affecting my mood. I know that I'm carrying way too much on my shoulders right now but it's nice when I complete all task effectively. I really enjoy the rest afterwards.

I've decided to join 24 hour fitness again. There's one right up the street from me and I can run to it, exercise, and then finish my run on my way home. I used to do that when I lived in my old place. I know I need to invest more time in my exercise regiment. And as soon as December arrives, I'm clearing my schedule completely. I don't want to have any new projects following me into the New Year. I want a clean slate.

I really want to move outside of the U.S. for a while. I don't know where, but I need a break from this place. I need to go back to Spain or somewhere no one knows me. When I was there (a long time ago), I could go out and be amongst the people and still feel that much needed isolation. It was as though I wasn't even there. People would greet me, but I could lose myself in public. Something I have a difficult time doing here in the good ole' US of A. Being black, you stick out like a sore thumb here and you're always aware of the fact that you're black. In Spain those pressures just didn't exist. I'm not saying there wasn't racism, but there was more hatred for Caucasian Americans in Spain than there was for black ones. In fact, I was accepted amongst the Spaniards I chose to deal with because I knew enough of the language to communicate. I loved the vibe. I hated the 4 distinct seasons-they have real winters there. And when I arrived with my California gear in November, I was in for a shocker. I froze my ass off until I was able to transition my wardrobe to something more appropriate for the climate.

As you can probably tell, I'm just rambling about because I don't have much I want to put into my blog. I have plenty to talk about, but Lulu's get's the dirt now so I don't have to put it on my blog-thanks Lulu, bill my insurance for the psychiatric sessions. I can't say that they are working but it does feel good to get it off my chest. It's always nice to get the opinion of an objective female from the other side of the globe. She tells it like it is!

It's weird, all of a sudden I've gotten really private as of late. I don't know what it is. One minute I'm writing about EVERYTHING, the next I don't want to write anything about my personal life. I think it's because my emotions are being pulled apart since I met a new female. I don't want to talk about it. I've said too much already. I know that I'm still dealing the residual nonsense from my marriage and I haven't quite faced it all head on. I think I've been avoiding dealing with it. I'm hoping that it will take care of itself, but I know better than that. I don't even think often about my soon-to-be ex wife. And I know that I'm trying to bury the whole thing without dealing with it. You don't live with someone 6 years and then have no emotional anything for that person once their gone. I don't know where and I don't know when, but eventually I'm going to come face to face with it all. I'm too emotionally aware for this not to have affected me in some way or the other. I'm just skillfully suppressing it now. Or, maybe it's just that the marriage had been over for a minimum of 3 years before we actually separated and maybe I have dealt with it in my own way. I don't know, I'm just living day to day and not really focusing on it. I have too many other things I need to deal with.

She called the other night to tell me that she was in school. I was really happy to hear that. I wish her the best. I have absolutely no ill feelings toward her-in fact I still have love for her. Not the type of love that could sustain another waking moment with her, but the type that you'd have for someone you were once really close to but have moved on. I simply can't hold anything against her, no matter how much I would like to try. My mother on the other hand, can and does hold something against her. Harming someone's child has that affect on people. There are girls that my son dated that I'd like to see burned at the stake, but I know that he's forgiven them. Once you harm someone's children, you're permanently cast in the shadow of negativity.

Well I think I will try to get some sleep. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. It might be all of this sunshine that's depressing me. I need it to rain. I love the rain, it depresses me so beautifully. It puts me in that melancholy mood that makes the slightest positive thought seem so beautiful. Rain reminds me of being purified. It grants me permission to release all negativity. I can sit back and watch it pass as I just let it all go. I also like the way the earth smells after a good rain. It feels like it's morning all day long (morning dew also gives the earth that smell as well-even though it isn't as strong). I guess that's why I like the morning.

The Prince is officially of the air.

TPOKW?