Alone

My middle daughter, who is now at the beautiful age of 16, has always shown concern for my pension for ending up alone. As far back as I can remember, whenever I announced that I was no longer with one of my temporary mates, she expressed fear because I would be alone. I would always smile to myself, not fully understanding what there was to be afraid of. Well, once again, I find myself alone. Alone is a lonely word, and it conjures up images in our mind of despair and sadness, but I find being alone a solemn undertaking. How else can one be completely alone with your inner-most thoughts? I don't fear being alone. I can't say that I like it much, but being alone makes you appreciate people and I think that we could all benefit from the rediscovery of the beauty of one another.

I remember when I first moved into this apartment-I found myself quite lonely. I was used to the sounds of children playing; a television or radio blaring loudly off in the distance; a casual telephone conversation that didn't involve me, but became the part of an auditory fabric that I'd normalized and grown accustomed to. But here, there was only silence. No television, (I found the sound annoying in this vacuum), no children playing, no other voice but my own, and I was so afraid to hear what I might say to myself-so there was only silence. Sometimes silence can be deafening and your desire to silence the silence becomes great. But we all know that the mere notion of silencing silence borders on insanity, so we remain quiet and find ways to cope. I found ways. They weren't always the same-they varied. Sometimes I would just sit in a chair, staring out the window, and allow the silence to consume me. I struggled against my urge to make it go away. I wanted to become acquainted with it in a friendly manner. But silence is neutral and it does not care whether you appreciate it or not-silence just is. In fact, silence wouldn't know how to interpret your appreciation or your disdain-it simply does not know to care. So what does my opinion matter? It doesn't. The only thing one can do is become one with silence-a synergy that strips you of your desire to break it's hold on all things audible. You simply surrender and then it becomes the auditory fabric that you become accustomed to.

What I miss most being alone, is the warmth and comfort of the human touch. It's not that I couldn't force myself into physical contact with others, it's just that I want to it to emanate from a natural place and not from a place of desperation. I want to be at one with my environmental silence and not fight it by forming unnatural alliances with those whom I might detest, but fear being away from. The paralysis of my analytical mind has always afflicted me. Still, I sometimes long for my bed not to be empty; for that casual touch at those most unpredictable moments in the middle of night that reassures me that I am alive, and loved, and capable of loving. The absence of human touch can sometimes be torture and the longing for relief constant. Still, I somehow manage to find comfort in it all. Or perhaps that is what I tell myself so that the bleakness of my situation isn't so daunting. Who knows. We do whatever it takes to survive.

One thing that I know for certain is I've developed a special appreciation for the human connection. Being alone heightens my senses and makes the slightest connection feel so alive and real. Holding someones hand sets off waves of emotions that remind me of my teenage years. I've become so hypersensitive to the human connection that the mere thought of sexual contact becomes completely overwhelming, and the journey back to that level of connection becomes a slow and methodical process. Why hurry? The journey alone is so exhilarating. There's truly something to be said about depriving one's self from the complete and utter satiation of your every desire. Spending too much time in that realm can quickly become mundane and the only true remedy is deprivation. But so many of us believe the answer lies within satiating ones appetite even more, which explains why so many of us suffer from obesity or die from overdosing on drugs.

I must admit I have a profound fear of being controlled by those desires and the need to satiate them continually. I fear losing myself in the midst of addiction never being able to find my way back to the person I once was. It's not so much a fear of change, but a fear of what I may change in to. I think that was why, for many year, I could not smoke marijuana. The idea of wanting to be in an altered state of consciousness all the time was frightening. Once I convinced myself that infrequent trips to that altered place wasn't so bad, indulging from time to time became an accepted practice for me. Although I don't do it often as I once did, I allow myself the freedom to do so.

Alone and lonely seem like such close companions, but I believe I've found a way to be one and not be totally consumed by the other. Alone describes my physical state-lonely would describe my emotional. Could one exist without the other? Quite possibly. There are those, like myself, who can be alone and not experience loneliness just as there are those who can be amongst a crowd of people and be lonely. In fact, I've found it quite easy to be amongst a crowd or group of people and feel lonelier than I've ever felt in my life.

I know that human contact is necessary and that I thrive in every way imagineable when I know that the comfort of another is there for me. But I also know the feeling of powerlessness that consumes you when you crave that comfort and are denied it. Sometimes that's worse than having never experienced it at all. I don't worry so much that I'll never feel or experience it again. I think I worry that one day it won't matter to me whether it's there or not, and I will find comfort only in my isolation. That, to me, would be a fate far worse than the dismal feelings of loneliness that keeps me company from time to time, letting me know that, although temporary, the slightest touch from a comforting hand can erase months of loneliness in the blink of an eye. I guess hope springs eternal.

TPOKW