I just realized the other day that I might be suffering from PTSD. I've been conducting a mental review of past relationships and the damage I suffered during, and I've come to the conclusion that I've developed a fear of intimacy. The only real place that I can express my emotions is here in my blog. That doesn't bode well for future relationships. I can't tell a potential partner to go check my blog if she wants to know how I feel about a certain situation. Even though I know that written communication is far more effective than spoken, it's just not the way we do things here.
Towards the end of my relationship with my wife, I would tell myself that I was afraid to know the depths at which my marriage had changed me. I'm beginning to realize that I have lost my ability to trust. But I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing-it was trusting people that caused me so much trouble in relationships. Here are a few traumatic experiences that I have had that I know are root causes of my inability to trust:
1985-Mother of my son takes him and disappears for 4.5 years. I had no idea where they were. I spent the first year completely drunk. It felt as though someone had carved my heart from my chest and was stabbing it repeatedly. This feeling lasted, with this intensity, for at least 3 years. The next time I saw him, he was 7 years old and he didn't know who I was.
1992-Mother of my two daughters, who knew that the mother of my son snatched him to hurt me, does the same thing by literally kidnapping my daughters from my mom's house and disappearing. I searched for her, weapon in hand, but was eventually glad I didn't find her. An ex girlfriend talked me out of harming her. Inevitably, my daughters were returned, but the damage had been done. I could no longer allow myself to be close to them as I was before, fearing that they could be taken away and emotionally I could be wrecked. I closed a major portion of my heart down for protection.
2001-My girlfriend, after a 8 year relationship and my countless reminders that I want no more children, decides that I need a 4th. When I explain to her that in 3 years we both will have children in college and another child will make it financially difficult to support them, she files a restraining order against me insisting that I'm harassing her. I beat the fabricated charge in court, but I no longer trust her.
2004-Another girlfriend senses that our relationship might be ending so she tells me that she's pregnant. I call her bluff by threatening to have someone I know employed at Kaiser look through her medical records-she confesses it's a lie. I tell her I'll deal with her when I get back into town. She continues to call me-I don't take the calls. She leaves a voice mail informing me that all of my belongings at her house will be on the lawn when I return home. I then received a voice mail message stating that someone had broken into her house and stole $20,000 worth of my video editing equipment.
2007-I decide I can no longer financially support my wife, her two kids, and help my oldest daughter with living expenses while she's in college, so I inform my wife that we're separating-unless she can financially pull her own weight. She decides that she cannot-so I rent an apartment and await my move-in date. My wife and I get into an argument 3 days before I'm to move out. She throws a saucer at me, it hits me at the base of my spine, shatters and slices a 1-inch gash in my back. An altercation ensues, I'm arrested and my bail is $50,000. I borrow the 10% to post the bail from my mother, knowing that I have a $5400 tax refund check to repay her with. Not so fast. While I'm in jail, my wife takes the check to some shady character, they cash the check and she runs off with ALL of the money.
It took me almost 27 years, but I've finally arrived at the conclusion that I cannot trust women. Isn't that the very first lesson taught in the bible? For those of you who are sitting out there saying it's my fault-you're absolutely correct, it is. Had I treated these women like hostile citizens in my midst and not loving partners, I never would have exposed myself in ways I could be taken advantage of. So now I know-and I thank you all for such valuable lessons. And unfortunately any woman I decide to get involved with now will have to climb Everest to prove that they are worthy of even knowing where I live. I have too much to offer and even more to lose.
Here's the rub: women know that women are like this. They know women that fall into every catagory I've detailed above. They know that women behave like this. It's the main reason why women:
1. Don't like being pulled over by female cops
2. Prefer not to have a female boss
3. Don't trust one another around each other's mates
4. Always suspect the motivation of another woman
They know the treachery that exists amongst one another. Case and point. A close friend of mine was accused of fathering a child. When his girlfriend found out about the child, the first thing she did was order he get a paternity test. The child was 4 years old, and my friend never questioned paternity. But when his girlfriend found out, her first response, (and probably a natural one), was suspicion. Why? Because women know women. They hear their girlfriends talk about their own treachery. The test proved my friend was not the father of the child.
I'm not saying women are inherently evil-I'm saying they are prone to do some underhanded shit. So are men, but I don't date men so any treachery a man is capable of doesn't interest me in the least bit. I know I play the game as straight up as I know how-so whatever treachery another male has done to you has nothing to do with me. I bet you one's never told you you were the parent of a child that wasn't yours.
So now I am attempting to deal with my PTSD sans professional counseling. Why? Because it would be difficult sitting in front of a complete stranger telling him/her how dumb I was to think I could trust a woman. How could I be so stupid? Why would anyone think that you can trust them? That's the most ridiculous concept ever invented-trusting a life partner. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm probably the last person on earth to finally get it through my thick skull that you can't trust a woman. Women don't trust women-what's wrong with me? I trust my friends, and you all know who you are-without question. But most of my friends I've known for well over 20 years.
The spirit of a man in trouble can only rest when the trouble he faces vanishes. The spirit of a troubled man never rests.
R. Pugh
I am that troubled man.
TPOKW?
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5 comments:
wow! This is going to stay with me for a long time still. PTSD, i agree. I also agree with almost everything that you said up there about women(I am one anyway). There's just one thing that is clouding your judgment; you have been with and dealt with a handful of good for nothing women. The aftermath; you may not see a good woman if she upped and sat on your face. The ones who hurt you are just a drop in the ocean.
Damn man!! That's the kind of stuff you see in movies ONLY!! You have had it rough and tough!! If I were you, I probably wouldn't even trust a shackled puppy!!!
I don't know how this will come off but I am just curious: So how then did you make the Bail?
Phoenix-I used to think that too (good for nothing women), but it isn't that way. What has happened is good women have learned some very bad behaviors and they give themselves permission to do these things to men. The heterosexual male in this country is under attack and doesn't even know it. He's under attack from lesbians, gay men, and through the machinations of propaganda, his own natural mate. It's an epidemic here in this country. It's like the southern white's mentality toward blacks pre civil rights-you could do anything you wanted to us back then and we couldn't do anything about it. Lynch us, burn our houses down, rape our wives and daughters and there was no law in the land to protect us. It's pretty much the same mentality women have towards men now. I could tell you some horror stories. So it isn't so much that these are low life women, it's a mentality that's been adopted by all women. Not all women act on it, but you'd be surprise (or maybe not) how many women do.
Raymond-My dear friend from across the pond-good to hear from you. My mother posted my bail and now I owe her the $5000. And you're right, shackled puppies give me the heebie jeebies too!
I rest my case.
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