August, and Everything After (The Love Seasons)

It's something about the summer months that I enjoy and I miss August already. Even if I don't go to the beach or hang out like I used to, it's something about summer that says 'fun'. People seem more open and joyful during the summer; almost like during Christmas. Even though I know it's pretty much an act, I like it when the season changes the spirit of people. For a brief moment in time, it gives me hope.

So now it's September and I have to find something to do with these months. A while ago I had a fall romance that changed my entire impression of the cooling climate. She was 10 years my senior. Not too attractive but sexy in ways I wasn't used to. Plus she was cultured and very confident in herself. She took me to see the Phantom of the Opera and afterwards, we made love in the back of a limousine. We had dinner at fancy Italian restaurant and when I was leaving, the Maitre D' asked if I would like him to summons my driver. I felt very important. We would meet one day during the week at a hotel and then on the weekends. It only lasted 4 months, but it was the best fall I'd ever had. A few months ago I caught up with her and we had lunch. She was always abrasive for the first few hours and things hadn't changed. I remember sitting up and thinking to myself, "Why am I going through this?" We were supposed to go see a play, but I didn't feel the need to go through torture. I always felt like I was being punished for something someone else did. But the one thing I can never take away from her is the good feeling she gave me about fall-I always associate this time a year with romance-warm coats, walks at night holding hands in some fancy outdoor gathering spot. Thanks W.

When I was a kid, summer was always the time that I met new girls who were on vacation at a relative's house. When I was 11 I met Robin from Pasadena. Robin, who had an older brother named Miles, was so cute. She had befriended my sisters initially. When they all met, I was in Louisiana living with an aunt. When I returned to California and met Robin, I was immediately taken by her. She was mean, but somehow I was able to get beyond it. I remember our first kiss-it was at dusk and as the sun set and darkness became our ally, I pulled Robin close to me and stole a kiss...and then another, and then another. Later on that night, I could think of nothing else. I remembered everything about that moment. The way her breath came in short pants, the way she subtly moaned as our lips slightly parted and our tongues met. The way she held me tightly as though she stood at the edge of a precipice. Perhaps we both stood on that edge-it was heaven. I didn't get to kiss Robin ever again after that night. She went back to her regular old mean self-I think she pinched me once afterwards. That's as 'bout as close as I was ever to get to her again. There's an old photograph of my 11th birthday party, and in the shadows, if you look really hard, you can see the faint image of Robin. For many years afterwards I would stare at that photo and relive that memorable kiss.

One summer, the gods sent me Toni. Toni was the daughter of a friend of the family. She had two brothers, one older and one younger, and we'd all practically grew up together. Toni was a quiet, shy girl who I was always attracted to, but she was my friend's younger sister so basically she was off limits. When I was 13 there was an annual summer event that took place at Toni's parents place and lasted all weekend. Motorcylce groups as far away as Arizona and Texas would travel and attend this event in a rural part of California. Back then, black people would get together and enjoy one another without the shooting and killing that we see so much of today. It was an exciting time for a kid my age. We would always steal beer from the many tubs around the property and get tipsy. Saturday night, the brothers and I pitched a tent and camped out with the rest of the riders. Toni stayed in the tent with us for a few minutes and it was then we had our first kiss. Her brothers were there but paid us no attention. It was electric. I think she always had a crush on me, but this was the first time I acted on it. Eventually, her mother called her in for bed. But I wasn't done. I knew that her parents would be at work Monday so I told her we would continue then. On Monday I returned and lost my virginity with Toni. The funny thing is, I didn't see it as a big deal. I had always experimented sexually with girls, but had never really gone all the way. What we did was so innocent. I know that most people wouldn't look at it that way, but the adoration we had for one another was so natural and pure. It was beautiful to me at the time, and I still feel that way today.

The summer also brought me K and P. They were both girls who went to my church. We all sang in the choir together and they use to flirt with me at the same time. It was as though they both wanted me...at the same time. But that's far too much for a 15 year old to wrap his head around. K and I had our chance one night when my mother went out of town and my two sisters and I stayed the night at her house. We met in the living room after everyone had fallen asleep and engaged in extreme heavy petting. We didn't have intercourse, but it was definitely an erotic experience.

Not long after, our church boarded our bus and took a trip to Los Angeles to fellowship with a sister church. On the trip back, P and I sat next to one another. I was no stranger to touching her, we'd done so so many times before. On this particular occasion, I slipped my hand underneath her dress and played with her all the way home. We both were so horny. The irony of the situation was that my mother was sitting two seats in front of us. When we arrived back at our church, I told her that I wanted to see her again and she told me to come to the one of the parishioner's house the next day-she would be babysitting. I rose early the next morning, finished painting the trim on our house, showered and headed over. P and I talked for a while and then went into a bedroom. We too engaged in heavy petting but when she asked if I had a condom and I said I didn't, things came to an abrupt halt. Unlike with Toni, we were both aware of the dangers of pregnancy. We knew people at our school who had become pregnant and neither of us wanted that.

A year prior, I had an awful experience with a young lady. I was 14, she was 15 and her name was Gwen. This was during the Christmas break. Gwen was the granddaughter of a close friend of my mother. She and her twin brother were visiting from Arizona and the adults thought it a good idea that we all get together. For some reason that fact that we were teens going through puberty escaped them because nature was about to have an affect on Gwen, and she was about to have an affect on me. We all met at the shopping area in our little hometown. We did some post Christmas shopping and then took the bus back to my house. Little did I know, Gwen had expressed interest in me to my sisters. At the time, I had no interest in her. I already had an on again-off again girlfriend and Gwen just wasn't that attractive to me-but that was about to change.

When I was 14, I never cut my hair. It was long and bushy and never looked right. Gwen offered to braid it for me and I accepted her offer. This was the first time the two of us were alone together. It had been raining all Christmas break, and this night was no exception. You could hear the tap, tap, tap, of the rain on the rooftop as the Bee Gees song How Deep is Your Love played on the radio. I remember Gwen singing the lyrics in my ear as I sat between her legs, eyes closed, and she french braided my hair. Little did I know, I was subtly being seduced and it was working. All of a sudden she leaned down close to my ear and whispered "Very deep. At that moment my indifference to her changed-I was in love (or so I thought). Afterwards, Gwen and I were inseparable. We convinced our guardians to allow she and her brother to stay over and Gwen and I tried to be alone as much as possible. We kissed and cuddled but were always separated by my older sister Jenn. Jenn was very protective of me but I didn't see it like that at the time. I just felt she was meddling.

They had been at our place for at least three days and my mother decided that we all needed to get out of the house for a change. The 5 of us (Gwen, her brother, my two sisters and I) were dropped off at the theatre and for the life of me, I still cannot recall what movie we saw. After the show was over, we all exited the theatre-Gwen and I were holding hands. I saw my mother parked outside the theatre and we immediately let go of each other's hand, but not soon enough, my mother saw us. The ride home was brutal. There was this deafening silence in the car, and I knew that trouble was brewing. When we arrived at home, my mother immediately called Jenn into her bedroom and the door was closed behind them. I knew Jenn was spilling the beans. Next Gwen was summonsed into the room. I sat in the living room devising my defense. I was 14 and I felt entitled. Furthermore, Gwen and I were in love-she had told me so many, many times over the past few days. I decided I would stand up to my mother.

Not long after Gwen was dismissed, I was called into my mother's room. My mother sat on one side of her bed, Jenn the other and the questioning began.

"What did you and Gwen do?" my mother asked.

"Nothing." I replied sheepishly.

"Don't lie to me boy, tell me what happened."
That boy really stung-I was feeling like a man. My anger began to slowly build.

"I told you, nothing." I said, this time a little firmer. My mother's anger began to build as well, progressing much faster than mine.

"I'm not going to ask you but one more time so don't play with me. What happened." I knew that she meant business and I'd better tell her something and fast. I wasn't afraid of her, but I'd never been in this position before with my mother and I didn't really know what to expect.

"We just kissed and stuff." I said.

"IN MY HOUSE. HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME AND MY HOUSE IN SUCH A WAY!!" she yelled. "NONE OF MY OTHER CHILDREN HAVE EVER DONE SO!" I knew this not to be true. My older brother had once kissed a girl in the house, (prior to his defecting to the pink team), but somehow I didn't see how saying so would help my cause.
"YOU WANT TO KISS A GIRL, GET YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE!"

Now here's where things all went south. It was bad enough I had disappointed my mother, but I was about to disappoint her and embarass myself even further.

"MOM!" I exclaimed, "WE'RE IN LOVE!!"

With that said, my mom rose slowly up from her seated position as though her backside was on a cushion of air. She seemed to float as she yelled,

"NIGGA! YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LOVE!! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!"

My mother had never used that word towards me before and at the time I was too confused to understand, but later I learned why my mother reacted so negatively. She knew that I was too vulnerable to the cunning ways of women like Gwen and it disappointed her. I grew up with this idea that women were sugar and spice and everything nice. My mother, in some ways, was partly to blame. She raised me to be gentleman toward women. Always open the door; be polite and assist them when they were in need; never hit a lady. Where she failed was teaching me the difference between a female and a lady, and not to waste my chivalry on females.

I was hurt, shocked, and ashamed all at once. I took one look at my sister and, without speaking, told her that she was no longer related to me; she had just been disowned. The very next day, Gwen and her brother were taken back to their grandmother's house and I was heartbroken. I cried. We didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. School was about to begin and I had no interest in returning. My heart was crushed. But along with that pain was a hatred for Jenn. I felt she had sold me out. Afterwards, when she came into a room, I would leave. I wouldn't speak to her if she talked to me-to me, she didn't exist. This went on for about a week until one day I was standing outside and I heard foot steps approach, it was Jenn.

"Lil' brother, I know you're mad at me and don't want to speak to me, but there's something I need to tell you. When mom called Gwen into the room and asked her what happened, she said that you forced yourself on her. She said that she repeatedly told you no but you wouldn't stop harassing her."

I immediately spun around on my heels and broke my vow of silence.

"THAT BITCH SAID WHAT??!!!" I yelled.

"She said you tried to force yourself on her. But I told mom the truth. It was she that was chasing you and you didn't want to have anything to do with her at first." I thanked Jenn and apologized. I asked her why she didn't tell me before and she said that she knew I was mad at her and didn't want to talk to her. I've always loved my sister, but at that very moment, to know that she had defended me, I loved her more than anyone could ever love someone and that bond has not been broken to this day. She was my big sister again and Gwen, just like that, became my sworn enemy.

The most tragic part of that story is how naiive and vulnerable I was to the manipulations of a woman. That vulnerability was to rear its ugly head many more times throughout my years. But with each successive incident, I became more aware of my vulnerablities and sought to strengthen my weaknesses. I was a boy who lead himself to believe he was a man during a period in life where your hormones are doing wildly unimaginable things to you. Emotionally I was already a wreck. I had always felt alone and lonely, and someone had come along and made me feel loved and good about myself. It wasn't as though my mother made me feel bad about myself, it was just that I was a boy being raised in a house full of women and they had no idea how difficult this time was for me. I was coming into manhood and I had no one to discuss my mental and physical changes with. I often isolated myself in my room trying to find answers to what I was going through. Gwen came along at a vulnerable time in my life and took major advantage of me.

As the years went by, I had many more of these encounters with women. Some of them pleasant, others tragic. All in all, I can honestly say that I've had a love for all seasons and be them good or bad, I wouldn't trade them for the world-well, ok maybe some of them I would.

TPOKW?