A Lesson for Those Who'll Listen

Last night I received a phone call from my soon-to-be ex-wife and that's usually the case when I begin thinking about how she's doing-she always calls. I allowed her to express herself a bit more last night-normally I don't allow the conversations to stray past 2 or 3 minutes. Other than the veiled references to suicide, I was glad I allowed her the opportunity to get things off her chest.

As most of you regular readers know, there was an incident shortly before our break up that landed me in the slammer for 4 days. She threw a dinner plate at me causing a deep laceration on my back, and I did what any attacked individual would do, retaliated. Right decision in the animal kingdom, wrong in a world of individuals who consider themselves above the rest of life forms. While locked up, my wife took a $5400 check belonging to me, found a way to cash it and kept the money.

I had but one question for my s.t.b. ex-wife: didn't you realize everything you did subsequent to hitting me with the dinner plate almost guaranteed there would be no reconciliation? Her response to me was, "I thought you would forgive me." For the past 16 hours, I've pondered her response. I don't know who's at fault for her believing I would forgive her. It is hers for being foolish enough to believe that harming people is forgivable? Or is it mine for setting unrealistic expectations by forgiving so many of her past transgressions?

Here is where forgiveness gets tricky and why it should not be toyed with. The forgiver is placed in a position whereby if he/she forgives the first transgression, they open themselves up to being transgressed again (because the transgressor might believe that forgiveness is the order of the day). If the forgiver decides not to forgive and separate from the would-be forgivee, they might overlook what might have been an obvious mistake on the part of said forgivee. Either way, it is the forgiver who is always the individual with the most to lose. The would-be forgivee gambled when they decided to transgress, and deserves to be in a position to lose something. The innocent always pays the higher price.

This is why I try to live by a philosophy and have done so for many years. I believe wholeheartedly in First do no harm. That basically means that I will never harm you if you do not harm me. But I believe I am in need of modifying my mantra, Never do harm. With my first belief, I always allowed myself the luxury of harming you if you harmed me. Doing so meant I stayed in contact with you, otherwise how else would I be able to do you harm? With the updated version, immediately when I am violated, you are jettisoned from my life. I'll never have to do you harm, and you'll never be in a position to harm me again. I know this sounds all Zen and flowery, but don't get it twisted-I will harm someone if they make me. And the membrane between someones safety and someone being harmed is extremely thin. My advice to people is not to toy with it.

In some ways, I feel so responsible for where my wife is today. Had I just left in the beginning when things went extremely south in the extreme beginning, she wouldn't be in so much pain. But in a macabre sort of way, I knew that her pain would be severe when we separated, and I did nothing to spare her-even though I knew leaving her in the beginning would have done just that. In some ways she deserves it because she was given so many opportunities to make our marriage a success. I, in no way, feel that I have an obligation to teach her a lesson-that is not what this is all about. I've separated and will be divorcing her for my own protection and sanity, not to cause her pain. Quite frankly I wish she would find someone else and move on. I wish she could forget about me and not be in such a miserable state-for her own sake. I don't need her to suffer in order for me to heal. My healing is an independent process and I am happy to report is progressing smoothly. I know that I did my best, I know that's all anyone can do and when you can't do anymore, you move on.

I hope that she makes it through this and learns that forgiveness is not to be toyed with. It's not a get out of jail free card. It should be reserved for those situations when you've made a seriously grave error in judgment-not for premeditated acts of aggression with the hopes that someone with a good heart will show you sympathy. And I hope the message hits home for those of you reading too-forgiveness is divine, but not required.

TPOKW

P.S. I still love her.....