First Comes The Pain

Yesterday I went to look at an apartment not far from work. I could practically walk everyday but it's now beginning to hit me-my marriage is finally going to be over. This morning I was listening to Brian McKnight on the Wave (94.7 for those of you not in SoCal) and each morning he does a listener-requested song and this morning someone requested Cyndi Lauper's True Colors, her hit song from the 80's. There's a line in the song that says ...don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last saw you laughing and my wife said those very same words to me about a month ago. The next thing I knew, I was in the restroom weeping like a baby. I couldn't stop. After all of the struggle and disappointment I've gone through over the years, I still wish it could work. After all the lies, the deception, the misdirected anger, I still love my wife.

I think what hurt me the most was not knowing why or how this world got to the place where we damage each other so badly. I'm not talking about my wife and I, I'm talking about how people do so much damage to children. The damage that molestation and abuse does is lifelong. For this reason, there should be severe punishment for those who molest. But molestors are usually survivors of molestation. So where do you start. The perpetrators are former victims. What a mess we've made.

This is just a theory, but I believe the reasons the Italians might be so violent and despotic may have something to do with the relationship they have with the Catholic church. With all the molestation of the alter boys, the response could be an overly-aggressive disposition to prove manhood. I'm not making accusations-I don't want to be sleeping with the fishes, I just know the history of the Catholic church and their relationship with the Italian community. Perhaps that explains the Machismo that exists within latin communities.

My wife can't bring herself to trust me because someone violated her so badly as a child, she can't trust anyone. The only way she knows to respond is with anger. It's what she's used to survive for so many years. When you are 6 or 7 years old and people are doing all sorts of unspeakable things to you, your only solace is anger. You hold on to hate. I feel so sorry for her-I can walk away from it-from her. But she's got live with it for the rest of her life. I bet she wishes she could walk away from it too. Man, this world can be such an ugly place sometimes. I want to hurt the people who did this to her. Because I still love her with all of my heart-I just know that I can't be with her.

I used to think that I had an awful childhood because I didn't get a motorcycle at 14 and I didn't get a car at 16. Then I met my wife and she began to detail the things she went through as a child and all of a sudden my childhood looked Cosby-esque. I thought that after all we'd been through, it would be easy to walk away from all of this but I'm discovering that it won't be so easy. I have a habit of putting myself into the mind of other people, and I can feel their pain. It's like I have the ability to understand their experiences. There have been times when I've put myself in my wife's place and imagined the emotional trauma that comes along with the pain she's experienced and I've had to jolt myself out of it because the emotions have been too intense. We've survived almost 6 years on empathy alone-but it's become too much for me to handle because it only flows one way.

This morning I told her that she was selfish. But I don't think that's what's wrong with her. Empathy is a learned ability and it usually starts when someone shows concern for your well-being. Sadly, her mother and father were only 15 when she was born and according to my wife, she believes that her mother was being molested by her own father (my wife's grandfather). She even believes that her sister might also be her aunt (fathered by her grandfather). Sometimes I have to tell her not to tell me these things. She needs help from a professional, not from somone that visibly responds to the horror she details. That's why psychiatrist are heavily cautioned against getting involved with their patients. Once you become their love interest, you can no longer be of help to them. I'm not even a psychiatrist so I don't know why I thought I could help her. All I've done is punished her all of these years by showing her how wrong she is about everything. My poor wife-I love her dearly.

I hope that she gets help. It will take years of therapy before she can even begin to understand how upside down she's been living all of these years. It reminds me of Richard Gere in Pretty Woman when he said "I was very angry with him. Do you know how many years of therapy it took for me to be able to say that? I was very "angry" with him.". It'll be a while before she can understand anything I've tried to tell her.

I'll always love her.

RCP

Double Negatives

Double Negatives

My baby speaks in double negatives
“He don’t want me no more”
And she’s right, I don’t want her no more
I love everything about her but the problem is
She don’t really love herself

I don’t want her no more
I want her to be the mother of my children
Okay, at least one of them
I want to grow old with her, to take care of her when she’s sick
And cook for her when she’s hungry

I want to take her on long drawn-out vacations
Where we lie around the pool all day and dance ‘til the sun comes up
The only problem is, she thinks I don’t want her no more
And she’s right, I don’t want her no more

I want to shower her with gifts, even when it isn’t her birthday or Christmas
I want to make love to her so passionately
That our souls become one and our bodies meld into
One big knot of sex and sweat and flesh
Making it completely impossible to tell where she ends and where I begin

I want to marry her, make her my wife
Make her the center of my universe
Give her my life
I want her to wear my name with the pride of a street cop
On the first day he gets his detective’s badge

But she thinks I don’t want her no more
This world has so confused us that
We no longer know when we speak the truth
She thinks I don’t want her no more
And you know what? She’s right,
I don’t want her no more
And I love her

Dear Diary.....

That sounds so unmale. Anyway....
Dear Diary,
This morning I met my abs for the 1st time. Actually I've seen glimpses of them-like one might catch a glimpse of a fawn in the early morning as it darts past your garden window. After months and months of intensive work outs, I'm finally starting to see those illusive 6-pack abs. I have to be honest when I say that I never thought it would be possible. What kept me going? Well, my mentor started 5 years ago and now he has the body of a fucking god. And as he's always told me-you have to see to be. I've always been the type who thinks that if someone I know can do it, so can I. Now of course this theory has its limitations. I know people who can slam dunk a basketball on a standard 10' rim. I can't do that (now, but one point in my younger years I came really close).

I haven't said much about my marriage but I'm in the process of moving out. My soon-to-be ex wife and I had a conversation this morning about an incident that occurred a couple of years ago between a friend of hers and I. To put it bluntly, the girl and I had sex several times. When I mentioned to my wife that when she found out I just took my punishment, she asked "What punishment. I didn't get mad-you'd already expressed an interest in fucking her." I know this might sound crazy to those who read it but my I discovered that my wife cheated on me less than 1 month after our wedding day. I told her that if she wanted to stay she could, but she would have to accept the fact that I would never be monogamous again. I had a right to fuck whomever I choose. She accepted it.

"So if she accepted it, what's with the punishment?" you may ask, as she did. I explained to her that relationships are like a pure and clean glass of water. The moment something falls into that glass of water, we consider it tainted and most likely won't drink it. I knew that, no matter how many times my wife told me that she didn't get mad, I knew it affected our relationship. The water, although previously polluted, had been tainted even further.

I gotta get ready for work.

The Prince of Know Where?