The L Word

I like the "L" word. I watch it religiously every season and I love the characters. The show is well written and, although it has nothing to do with heterosexual males, I feel priveleged to be able to look in on a world that absolutely loathes me. Perhaps it something I'm used to. Being an African-American in a world that views me as the lowest thing on the planet perhaps has prepared me for being on the outside-never ever fully being accepted. I don't feel a part of anything in this world. My family doesn't fully understand me-but they tolerate me. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. But for one day of the week, I bask in the reverly lesbians enjoying a world without men.

I don't blame them-men have been pretty awful to women throughout history. I'm watching Marle Matlin and Jennifer Beals get high and I miss it (getting high that is). When I got high every night of the week, I enjoyed losing myself and not worrying as much about things as I do when I'm sober. I haven't smoked in so long and I know that it's best for me that I don't. I can't focus when I do. I try to remember things but give up because I just don't give a fuck. But I digress-I just wish that I could find that which I'm looking for. Some enclave that understands my sufferage. Perhaps I'll die without ever finding it.

It's funny to watch the women of the L word acting just like men. It's weird. They've condemned us for behaving this way for decades, and when finally they discover autonomy, they emulate us. This world is crazy and I don't feel comfortable in it. I don't know if I ever did. I always thought that there was this place that I would end up where things would be the way that I envisioned them. But I've yet to find that place and at the age of 43, I don't think I'll ever find it. I don't know what it will take for women to discover men again, but I figure by the time it happens, I'll be too old to care.