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Recently, my boss hired a 400lb Ox as a customer service rep in our office. OK, I'm exaggerating a bit, she isn't 400lbs and she isn't an Ox. She's more like 230lbs and I like to call her (behind her back) Mimi (like the fat character from The Drew Carey Show. Mimi was hired (much to my chagrin) by my boss and she hasn't been working for us 3 weeks and she's managed to lie about a girl who has worked with us for almost 6 months (let's call her Dara), accusing her of saying that my boss wasn't sure if he was going to keep Mimi. Mimi said that the other girl told her that she hated working in our office that it was boring. Now mind you, Mimi expressed interest in taking over Dara's position working our trade shows.

When this was first explained to me, I was really unnerved. I've known Dara for a few months and we've worked all the trade shows together, hit a few bars in Las Vegas together and hung out and chatted. I admit that I kind of liked her when I first met her because she's stunningly beautiful, but when she opened her 24 USC educated mouth, I knew that there was no way we could bridge the age gap; we can talk surface stuff but she lacks the experience carry on a deep and involved conversation. Anyway, I decided to ask Dara and she said that she said no such a thing. She and I had a brief conversation about the matter and I discussed it with my boss. He then told me that it wouldn't be long before Mimi came after me. I nodded my head in agreement because I was two thoughts ahead of him.

A couple of days later, Mimi and I were in the office together and she made a comment about men being stupid. I then responded that men actually make your life easier. Men offer protection. Who's going to protect you when a burgurlar is climbing through your window? 911? Call them and see how much shit a burglar can do to you before they get there. I explained to her that men make her life easier, and proceeded to tell her how women have fucked up our economy by entering the workplace only to now want to return home and call themselves SAHM's, (Stay At Home Moms). YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN AFHM's, (Away From Home Moms) IN THE FIRST GODDAMNED PLACE. They've basically ruined a generation of children by trying to compete with men in the workplace.

Anyway, Mimi didn't like this (and rightfully so-the truth given straight, no chaser, can sometimes be a bit harsh), but she continued on and we got on the subject of marriage. She called her live-in stud (not my words, Dr. Laura Schlesinger's), her husband, and I chimed in, "You're married?" And she responded "Well not officially, but we practically are." And I said, "No, you're not. Married is when you go before a judge or a man of the cloth and exchange vows, if you haven't done that, you're just shacking up." Okay, I have to tell you why this was all so ridiculously stupid on my part-I'm a VP and own a teeny percentage (2%) of the company-she's also my direct report. BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART. Anyway Mimi continued to argue that she was married and I continued to refer her back to Webster's definition of marriage, to which she replied, "I don't subscribe to any Webster's definition." This should have been a sure fire sign that I was arguing with someone who didn't qualify as an intelligent being, but like an idiot, I plodded forward and explained to her that you can trace the decline of any great civilization to it's lack of respect language and education. Words don't mean anything unless that we agree on their meaning and they continue to maintain that meaning into perpetuity. "You can't make up your own definitions of socially accepted standards, I tried to explain to Mimi. I asked her "What if someone decided that killing you wasn't considered murder anymore." She rather blatantly explained to me that that was an extreme. And I explained to her that if we begin to compromise definitions, that is ultimately where we'll end up.

This went on for about 5 minutes and Mimi finally decided to shut up. The next morning I arrived to work and opened the office door (like I do every morning), except Mimi was standing with some sloppy guy in shorts and flip-flops. We just hired a new guy and, although I'd met him briefly, I thought that this was he. Turns out it was Mimi's boyfriend. She introduced us, we walked into the office and I went thru my ritual of turning on lights, the AC, the radio (which plays 94.7 the WAVE all goddamned day), and heating up some water in the coffee pot my mother gave me for my oatmeal. I went to my desk and Mimi was putting stuff in a bag. I asked if she was leaving and she said "I'm not happy here." I thought to myself, "Okay," and continued doing what I was doing. I figure if you aren't happy, by all means go someplace you are. I didn't like that fat bitch anyway so I was delighted. It didn't dawn on my that I could be the cause. My boss had actually yelled at her the day before so I thought maybe that was her reason for wanting to leave.

Anyway, my boss came in and I called him and told him he needed to come out, Mimi was leaving. He asked me why, and I told him I didn't know. He asked her what was wrong, and people...........this cow broke out in tears like a baby "I'M JUST NOT HAPPY HERE!!! BOOHOOOHOOOHOOOHOOOHOOO. People, I am not exaggerating. And then she ran to the conference room. They were in there for about 20 minutes and she came out all happy and I was like "Damn, I thought her fat ass was leaving."

At the end of the day my boss called me into his office and explained to me that the conversation Mimi and I had the day before was why she wanted to leave. I tried to explain that she'd opened the door but he retorted "You're an officer of the company and a partial owner, I expect more from you." And he was right.

So we fast forward to yesterday, Mimi's flying high because she's dug her heels in and feels that she's uprooted the old Lion. My boss was out all day Monday and left me in charge. Mimi decided to show up 10 minutes late. While answering an inquiry from her I mentioned that people that she counsels about punctuality (yes, my boss put this whale in charge of an employee that she rides like a shetland pony), won't respect her if she didn't show up on time. That's all I said. This bitch wrote me back about a paragraph about how we all got shit we need to work on and that I need to worry about me, and that she doesn't need to be micromanaged. I chose not to respond to the email, I explained it to my boss and he had the nerve to tell me I shouldn't have said anything to her. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND. Who is this bitch? Queen of nourishment? Oh so now she's untouchable. He counsel me on his instructions not to say anything to her.

When he called me for one of our evening end of day summaries, I let him have it. I told him either he does something about her or I will. He explained to me that he didn't care how she behaved, as long as she got her work done. WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS THIS?? She can run her mouth off to me like I'm the janitor, but If I say one thing to her, I'm admonished? Not in this lifetime. Went around for about 20 minutes and I told him that by morning I would come up with a solution to this problem for him.

I wrote him an email and explained that he was to keep his lapdog away from me. She was not to speak to me nor ask for my assistance. She needed to figure out on her own what needed to be done. If she had something to say to me, she needed to go through him, don't talk to me directly. I told him I didn't want her near me. I also explained that if she showed up late, I would write her ass up just like I did everybody else. And if she didn't like it, she can go work elsewhere. And if he wanted to fire me for doing my job, go right ahead.

There was something else that he did. Her 1st week she asked him how much I made. He told me that he told her that she and I made the same amount of money. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!! What the fuck is that? Our employee manual clearly states that you can be terminated for discussing salary and compensation. Basically what he did was to render me ineffective as a manager. If we make the same amount of money, what's the use of titles?

The bottom line is Mimi and I just aren't going to get along. I'm handsome, attractive, and people like me-and well, she's rude, obnoxious and fucking with the wrong negro. She'll find herself locked into a battle that might shorten her career. In fact I am looking for her replacement as we speak. So if you know of anyone out there that is interested in a challenging career where you don't have to dodge bullets, I have just the job for you!

I am Black I