The Rat Tale

A few months ago, I was at my mother's house visiting. There's a lot of brush and vegetation in her yard, not to mention a wood pile from a few eucalyptus trees they had cut down a couple of years ago. As most of you know, these are havens for rats. My stepfather arrived home about midway through my visit and looking out into the backyard, he noticed one of his traps had been thrown. He went outside to inspect and lo and behold, he had caught two rats in one trap. I'm a little on the squeamish side and don't care to see things like this, but he was too proud, and I didn't want to ruin his pride-filled reversion back to his hunter/gatherer days, so I went out to congratulate him.

For many days after, I wondered how such a thing could have happened. I could see it if one got caught, but two? I pondered this marvelous mystery for days, and finally, this is the conclusion I inevitably reached.

THE RAT TALE

Once upon a time, in the wooded pile lived a rat named Travis Ratus. Travis was extremely naive, and his sidekick, Buck, was equally (if not even more) naive but compensated by inventing tall tales that sometimes entertained, but mostly irritated Travis. Travis and Buck had lived in wooded pile as far back as they could remember and rarely did they venture out too far. Travis always had questions about what might exist beyond the wooded pile, and Buck always had an explanation.

"What do you suppose is out in that vast open space, Buck?" Travis would ask.
"Why there's sheer paradise, Travis. There's food as far as the eye can see, and lots of things for rats like us to do." Buck answered.
"Oh yeah, like what Buck?"
"Well there's fancy resorts-not like the boring ones here in the wooded pile, but like the ones they have in Las Vegas-European style!"
"How do you know these things?" Travis asked as a look of puzzled bewilderment invaded is whiskered face.
"You remember my cousin Benji?" said Buck.
"Yeah, that freeloader who always ate my cheese?"
"Yes, that very same one. Well I'll have you know, that freeloader is livin' it up at one the fanciest hotels on the Vegas strip. He hitched a ride on a produce truck headed for the promise land and he ain't ever looked back. From time to time I receive a communique from him tellin' me how fine the livin' is there. A little hot, but they've got pools EVERYWHERE!"
"So how come you ain't hitched a ride?" Travis inquired, a little jealous.
"One day I will. I'm just waitin' for the right time." Buck answered as he ran a paw over his whiskers and gazed up at the sky.
Just about then, the two rats were distracted by a rustling sound. It was Michelle, the finest female rat in the wooded pile. Every rat within miles was interested in Michelle but she only dealt with rats who could bring in the big cheese.
"Hi Michelle," Travis and Buck said in unison. Michelle ignored them both and scurried down her hole.
"One of these days, I'm gonna get that girl." Travis said.
"That'll be the day." Buck replied.
"What, you don't think I can?"
"Look Travis, we're bottom feeders. We rarely take the chances that Michelle's dates take. Some venture out and never come back you know."
"I guess that Paradise you brag about is just too satisfying for them to return, huh?" Travis said a little annoyed with Buck.
"Look, if you don't believe me, go ask Ol' Willard. He's been around forever-he knows everything. Maybe he'll convince you."
"If it's such paradise, why does everyone we know sit around the wooded pile, rooting for worms?" Travis asked.
"Because, worms ain't so bad. Besides, to get to paradise, you've got to cross Hawk's alley and even the fastest rat we know can't outrun a hawk. But once you make it to the other side-it's all good."
"So you say. Look, I gotta run. I'm gettin' hungry" said Travis.
"Yeah, me too. I'll see you around." Buck scurried off in the opposite direction, stop and yelled over his shoulder, "Go see Ol' Willard.

Travis scurried over to his favorite spot of refuse and began nibbling on a left over piece of lettuce and a rotted piece of meat that someone had thrown away almost a month ago. As he dined, he saw Ol' Willard, the oldest rat in the wooded pile, slowly making his way to his hole.
"Hey, Ol' Willard, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what do ya wanna know."
"What's out past the wooded pile?"
"Funny you should ask" said Ol' Willard. "I heard from an extremely reliable source that just north of the pile, in the shaded area, is a place where you can dine on wonderful treats. Large chunks of cheese, fresh apple slices, and peanut butter."
"Peanut butter?" Travis' eyes lit up. Peanut butter was a rare treat, but a delight if you could get your paws on some.
"Yes son, peanut butter. They serve it on laaarge wooden planks" Ol' Willard answered. "Look, it's time for my nap. If you decide to venture out, bring Ol' Willard back a taste would you?"
"I'll do just that!" Travis answered and scurried off to find Michelle. Ol' Willard gave him an idea. He'd promise Michelle something no rat could resist-peanut butter.

Travis arrived at Michelle's hole and called out.
"Michelle, come out-I have something for you." But Michelle didn't answer. Again, he called out, again, no answer. This went on for 5 minutes until finally Michelle poked her head out of her hole.
"What is it Travis?" she yelled, "I'm trying to take a nap." Michelle didn't have to forage for food too often, there was always a willing suitor who would do it for her. So she slept a lot.
"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to...well, go out on a date with me?"
"On a date with you? Why Travis Ratus, why on earth would I want to do such a stupid thing. You've been dining on that same rotten piece of meat for the past month-yes, I've seen you. I only dine on the finest imported cuisine. Rotten meat is beneath me. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some very important napping to do." Michelle turned to retreat into her hole when Travis blurted out,
"I've got peanut butter!" This stopped Michelle in her tracks. She turned around slowly and with a her eyes as wide as pennies she said,
"Peanut butter?"
"Yes, peanut butter. Ol' Willard told me of a secret spot just north in the shaded area."
"What does Ol' Willard know? He hasn't been out of the wooded pile since his acting days."
"He even shared some with me" Travis lied. He was desperate and at this point would say anything to convince Michelle. Michelle sauntered up whisker to whisker with Travis.
"Look, if you're lying to me, I have boyfriends, lots of them, and it won't take much to convince them to gnaw through that narrow head of yours as though it were rope. Do I make myself clear? Now what time will you be picking me up?"
Delighted, Travis yelled out, 3:30, but then he realized it was already 4 in the afternoon. Gathering his senses, he responded,
"Ahem, I'll pick you up in exactly one hour, and please, wear your finest." Michelle turned and scurried down her hole. She could barely contain her excitement. She had only had peanut butter once before and for days after, she would lick her whiskers remembering what a pleasure it was.

Around about 4:50 pm, Travis began to make his way towards Michelle's hole and he saw Buck scurrying down a tree with a tiny bird egg wedged between his cheeks. The egg made his cheeks seem enormous.
"Where you goin' all decked out?" Buck asked as he dropped the egg from his mouth.
"Got a date with Michelle" Travis replied.
"Oh no you don't!"
"Do too. Ol' Willard shared with me one of his secrets and Michelle and I are venturing out to the shaded area for a little fun."
"He told you 'bout the peanut butter, didn't he?"
"Yeah, what about it?" Travis inquired.
"Damn that ol' rat. I was the one who told him!"
Travis' heart sank when he realized Buck was Ol' Willard's reliable source. "You told him? Who told you?"
"Benji. When he left for Las Vegas, he passed through the shaded area and saw a rat who had eaten himself to death. He was laid out on the wooden plank, eyes bulging. Benji thinks that he ate and ate until he couldn't eat no more. Funny thing was, there was still so much peanut butter left on the wooded plank. Benji ate some, and took the rest with him."
"Buck! Is this another one of your tales of paradise?"
"No Travis, not this time. Ok, I'll admit that I made up the European spa thing this morning, but Benji wouldn't lie. He might freeload, but he'd never lie."
"Well I have no choice now-I've got to take Michelle. Wish me luck, and stay out of those nests-you're gonna get caught one day."
"That's what you always say. Good luck."
Travis made his way to Michelle's hole and to his suprise, she was waiting outside for him.
"You're late, Ratus. Are you sure this is safe? I've never been to the shaded area, have you?" Michelle was filled with excitement.
"Yeah, sure. Buck and I go all the time" he lied.
"That Buck stretches the truth like it's string cheese, Travis. I don't know if I can trust you."
"Of course you can. Right this way M' lady."
Travis extended a paw and the two made their way out of the wooded pile and into the vast open shaded area. They walked for what seemed like hours. Travis felt as though someone was following him, and even mentioned it once to Michelle, but she said that he was being ridiculous.
Michelle talked the entire time and Travis began to notice that Michelle had some very annoying habits. She talked only of herself, and she snorted when she chuckled. She also had an enormous head and she made entirely too much noise to suit Travis, but he didn't have the heart to tell her. Just as Michelle began another one of her boring tales, Travis caught the whiff of a very faint, but familiar smell.
"...and he brought just one tiny piece of cheese..for the both of us. Can you believe-"
"SHHHH." Travis whispered, his whiskers twitching. "Can you smell that?"
Michelle began to pay attention and she too began to twitch her whiskers.
"Why, Travis Ratus, as I live and breathe, I smell PEANUT BUTTER!!!!"
A rat's sense of smell is is extremely sensitive and the faint smell of peanut butter was no guarantee they'd find any. But their excitement grew and Travis reached out, grabbed Michelle's paw, and picked up the pace. Travis noticed that Michelle's paw was cold and clammy and it made him feel uneasy, but now, he was less interested in Michelle and more interested in finding the peanut butter.

As they zig-zagged down the path in the shaded area, the scent of peanut butter began to grow stronger and it wasn't long before the two of them stood before a large wooden plank, almost twice their size. And sitting in the middle was a dollop of peanut butter three times the size of Michelle's exceptionally large head.
"EEEEK!!!" Michelle shrieked! "There it is Travis!" She began to scurry quickly towards the peanut butter, but Travis grabbed her paw.
"Wait, let's walk over together." Travis said.
"Let's not Travis. In fact, why don't you just go back to the wooded pile, we won't be needing you any longer."
"We?" Travis asked. Just then, an enormous rat with paws the size of maple leaves, and muscle that bulged as though someone had pumped them full of air, scurried from the brush and right over to Michelle.
"This here is Brutus, my boyfriend. Brutus, this here's Travis. He was just leaving."
"I...I don't understand." Travis said.
"Silly rat. Brutus has been tailing us the entire time. Did you really think I would date a rat who dines on rotten meat? You're beneath me Travis Ratus, now scurry on back to the wooded pile before Brutus here gets jealous."

Travis grew angry, but the bulging muscles on Brutus was enough to discourage any ideas he might have had. He was tired, hungry, and disappointed. But he knew he'd been outwitted by Michelle. He took one last look at the large mound of peanut butter as Michelle and Brutus made their way over to the wooden plank. It was too much for him to bear, so he turned and started to make his way back to the wooded pile. Just as he did he heard a loud WHAP!!!!!! that scared him so, he jumped 5 feet in the air and quickly ran for cover behind a rock. Peering around the rock he saw a site that both horrified him and delighted him at the same time. Michelle and Brutus' necks had been snapped by a large metal bar, their eyes were now bulging out of their sockets-they both were dead. Travis sat behind the rock for a while, wondering what he should do. He finally mustered up the courage to go over to the bodies of Michelle and Brutus. Picking up a stick, he poked at the metal bar, it didn't move at all-neither did they. He poked at the peanut butter with the stick and scooped up a nice chunk of it and put it in his mouth. It tasted like heaven.

He went back over to the rock and found a leaf. He dragged it over to the plank and began scooping the peanut butter onto the leaf. Not long after, he had removed all but small amount that stuck to the plank. He dragged the leaf for what seemed like hours back to the wooded pile and into his hole.

3 MONTHS LATER
Three months had gone by and not much had changed in the wooded pile. Ol' Willard was still the oldest rat, Michelle was gone but a rat by the name of Regina eagerly stepped into the harlot shoes she left behind, and there was still no shortage of male rats willing to risk life and limb to impress her. However, there were some slight changes. Travis and Buck no longer spent there days fantasizing about the paradise that existed beyond the wooded pile. After returning from his quest for peanut butter, Travis and Buck decided to go into business and supply the rare and savory treat to all who resided in the wooded pile. They were known as the Peanut Butter Hunters. Travis figured out what caused Michelle and Brutus' terrible fate and devised a method of extracting the peanut butter from the wooden plank without losing his neck. He was so successful at it that he and Buck became very wealthy rats, and they would often travel to the Vegas strip to visit Benji. Travis soon found out that most of Buck's tales were indeed false. But there was one thing he was 100% correct about, Las Vegas.

THE END

Ok, I know I have an overactive imagination-and this couldn't possibly be how my stepfather caught two rats, at the same time, in one trap. But you have to admit, at the very least, The Rat Story was entertaining.

TPOKW